Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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