anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
