i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
