When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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