a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
