I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
