Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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