So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
