the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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