I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
