Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
