I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
