Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
