i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
