Someone shit on the floor
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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