one word: firstdatebathroomanal
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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