My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
