I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
it's great music for shaving your balls
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
