Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Two words: blizzard sex
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
