My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
