the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
