I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
