Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
