Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
