I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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