Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
