Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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