So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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