Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
