You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You ruined the universe
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
