dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize