you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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