Need sex. Gaining weight.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
