so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
