How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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