My sheets look like a crime scene.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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