kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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