Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
