I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
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