thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
