I smell stomach acid.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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