i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
