I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
