You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
