i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
