i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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