I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
