"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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