I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize