Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
