Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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