I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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