the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
