hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
