So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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