i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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