I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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