He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
