we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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