Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
